I am Sir Clive Sinclair

I am Sir Trevor Bayliss

I am Sir Issac Newton

I am the guy who invented those little milk pots.

For today I have invented a new phenomenon - Bogging. The world will fall under the delights of blogging from the the white porcelain throne. Like the eureka moment (but stinkier) I knew I was going to write a blog this morning but new that there was some ablutions that had to be carried out… and bogging was born.

It has so many advantages…. if I run out of TP (as the certain Americans call it) then i can order more from Tescos online. If I realise I only have a little of the paper left then I can use the ‘One sheet way of the Crow’. I can download music to listen to. I can watch the Eleventh commandment. I am on the seat (literally) of the world

hmmmmmmmmmmmm I seem to be running out……. of plaudits for bogging of course. Is it worrying that of the short time I’ve been blogging this is the 3rd time I have written about some thing to do with toilet time? Do I need to contact that friendly man again and his padded room. Probably. Unless you are suffering from insane constipation or you are shitty Richard (the smelly kid from school who wouldn’t poo) It is something that we all do though isn’t it, and I think we need to have more botty based transparency. Todays task should be to drop a real stinker in the office or at home, leave the door home and say some thing like “wow, I think I just shat out the cat in there” or “Call Greenpeace, there’s a whale that needs rescuing in the bog” Of course if you do this and get dumped/sacked then don’t blame me, I am merely a conduit for matter.

I am Scat Man John.

So Mr Steven Jobs, how do you fancy my sac rsting on your face? Hmmmmmmmmmm? Well that is what is going to happen if you keep playing with me like you is right now sister.

You may be wondering what has triggered this outburst of anger. Well I was the proud owner of an Ipod touch 16gb. Fantastic little thing, the closest to futuristic you can get without actually pretending you are Al from Quantum leap, and I have one. G-reat.

Spurrned I was though. Spurrned by Mr jobs and his bumfaced company. You see I wanted a a bigger one than the 16gb but as I bought it at xmas, the biggest you culd get was the aforementioned 16gb. So I bought one and happy was the OJ. Then comes out just 10 days after I bought it, a software update with Mail applications on it and other such goodies appeared. You’d think it was free wouldn’t you, but nooooooooooooooooooooooooo, 12 mother loving quid. Am I being tight - sort of but when you buy something you don’t expect upgrades, simple upgrades at that, to come out less than a fortnight later., I could have jail broken it but that sort of thing always makes me nervous and if someone was gonna do that and make a mess of it, it would be your truly. Then I’m walkng down the road to be greeted with a sign that pronounce that 32gb Ipods are now in stock.

WTF (first time I’ve ever used one of those lines - I think it was needed here)

Oboslesence is a part of buying new things, you have to roll with the fact that the laptop, phone, egg poacher is gonna be out of date and superseeded with in seconds of you unwrapping it. But Jobs has gone one step further. He brings things out so quickly tht you have less than .2 of a scond to enjoy yuor Aple item before the bloody thing is consigned to the Betmax halls of history.

For the record I’ve decided to stay with Clarence (my 16gb Ipod touch) but I can’t shake the feeling that there is something better out there for me.

Fuck you Steve jobs. Fuck You.

Earthquake! Now I’m sure the blog-o-sphere is a buzz with the shaking that England did the other night….. mainly because that sort of stuff just does’t happen in this country. And even when it does happen they are so pathetic its unreal. Earthquake hits San Francsico skyscrapers fall down. Earthquake hits Tokyo massive casualties. Earthquake hits England JJB can’t open till one (I’d like to thank Mr A. Greenbank for that lttle gag there)

I was awake at the time it hit us and I felt everything wobbling. first I thought it was the guy who lives downstars kicking the front door in, then I thought it was a ghost (seriously) then I realised whet it was (while still having the creeping dread that it may be some sort of poultergoose style action) It wasn’t terribly big by all accounts (story of my life) measuring only 5.2 on the Rickman Scale. If you’ve seen Die Hard you’ll know that he can get a lot tougher than that (until you throw him off building) Well I guess I better leave this blog and go and rebuild the damage that was done to James’s flat by the “Earthquake” or it could have just been a party.

And I’m talking about my hair before you start scouring my CD collection for evidence of which way I swing. (although it does have a large supply of Diana Ross, Tina Turner and other disco queens…. what can i say…… i have a homosexual taste in music) I mean check out this episode of the Eleventh commandment to see just how manly I am!  

The reason for the primping of the hair is that i was getting ready for tonight’s show (Nuts TV) and the make up artist was dissing my non-credible ‘Doo’. So I challenged her to make me look wicked…. unfortunately this involved the bastard that is GHD’s. 

Now any one who knows me, and I include you in that now dear reader, will know that I am the laziest of people when it comes to my appearance. I hate putting gel in my hair, can’t usually be arsed to shave and generally spend my time looking like the California man. I almost have a problem with men who can do all the smelling good, looking good shizzle, I mean that sort of thing eats into valuable Xbox time.  This blatant disregard is all this is fine when you are a radio presenter as I was before, but not when you do 3 nights live on TV a week and a highly popular internet TV show. 

So what should I do? Should i go with this new “smooth” look or go and flush my head down the toilet? Should I swallow (carefully casting no  no aspersions to any man looks after their appearance at all!) the bullet or keep my jungle haired ways? 

28 years old, 29 in a month. I’m doing alright at the moment work wise and I still get paranoid that my card won’t go through as soon as they put it in the pin machine. With good reason, as it didn’t go through just this week. £34 worth of shopping is still sitting in Tesco’s waiting for me to return. Well the bastard can wait. there are obvious things that happen when you cr is declined. First the machine takes ages. then it starts printing like a good ‘un. then the sales attendant looks down, rips it off and  looks at you with the same expression they save for rapists and peadophiles. Then you have to hand over another card which you hope has some cash on it. they take it but even if the card goes through the sales twat normally cts with the same frostyness as a lover who has just realised you shat in their bed half way through “making love’. So if you are reading this and work in a shop, be kind to us fools, we are human too. 

Am I wrong? Wrong to do what I’m about to tell you that I do? You know those “people who hang around busy streets in gangs, wearing various coats, bibs, T-shirts of charities  collaring passerbys and brow beating them into signing up for oxfam, greenpeace, the national Dalmatian re-spotting trust. Now I have no problem with charity, I already give to about four (I know this is turning into a Daily Mail-esque rant so I’ll name them - Oxfam £10, Wspa £10, British Red Cross £5, adopt a Bollock £10 Greenpeace £3) but I can’t abide the fact these people hang around around obviously making a wage for being out there. I’m sure they make more more money for the charities than they cost but they do it in a way that makes peoples lives that little bit more stressful, that little bit more guilty, cause theose guys are pushy! So what do you do? Well to stop them in their tracks simply say, I already give to [named charity]  they can look at you with disbelief in their eyes all they want, and boy they will cause they know you are liying but they don’t have a leg to stand on. especially if its the Heather Mills Foundation for mental Models. Or you could do what I do to gain a little humour. If its the Deaf alliance, every time they ask ou if you give, say “pardon?” if its the Altziemers charity, “hmmmm I may give to you, I just can’t remember”   Is this wrong? Let me know oj.borg@btpodshow.com 

Wanna lose sleep? Wanna stay up all night? Wanna have all the trappings of a full blown drug addiction?  Well start watching the Wire. I was lent the first series by a guy I work with at Nuts and now….. well now he’s charging me for the Second series…. he’s like a real drugs pusher! (of course he isn’t charging me, I was trying to make funny) If you haven’t seen the sereis then it is as good as everyone says. Charlie Brooker, the guradian journalist and hater of most things on this planet , has stated it to be the best TV series EVER. Yes, not just this season, not just this decade. EVER! Obviously it doesn’t stand up to Cities of Gold in my eyes but it comes pretty fucking close. You can check out his erotic ramblings on the series here….http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sZ2iGYwdEi8 Now I’d love to stay and chat more but I’ve got to get one more hit in before work. My name is OJ, and I’m an addict.  

Well not really as no one in my family has died but You must have by now seen in the papers that Heath Ledger has died. Now i have never met him, spoken to him or seen any of his films I don’t think but I was born on the same day at around the same time as him and have always pointed it out to poeple when they ask me my age.  Normally with “yes and look at how our careers have developed so similarly!”  And now he’s dead. Feel slightly bizarre about it for no real reason. The only other thing that has ever bothered me when finishing or dying is when Mark and Lard finished being on Radio 1.Life goes on though. And so does this blog.  Until next time. 

Crass subject I know but we all do it, even pretty girls do big shits, and I had a ‘moving experience’ the other day.  I had to do my Xfm show from a different studio and it turned out to be a Classical Fm studio so when I went to ‘drop off the kids’ I sat there upon the thrown and ‘made a chocolate deposit’ to a rousing classical tune. Fantastic. I now regularly pipe classical music into my ears while ’setting the brown fish free’  I was trying to think of other tunes that would make good  toilet listening? Brown girl in the ring, drop the pressure or maybe even Bobbys girl. Any way, must dash as I can feel y 3rd movement coming on. 

So I’m rather sleep deprived having took on a bit too much work. Moan moan moan, I know, I slept for just 3 hours last night on the floor of a radio studio. Not exactly rock and roll I fear but its at least mild folk or dutch house. We shot anothe r11th yesterday as well and it was quite frankly one of the more bizarre days as I ended up interviewing Alex Jovie he film director about his new website www.ourmovie.com - you can find out more about it in the show next week - the bizarreness coming in the form of doing the interview in his amazingly pimped out American classic car while driving around the streets of London. T’was a head turner indeed and has given me a want to own a pimp car of my own. Dream on OJ…….. or at least I would if I had a chance to get some sleep!