Right then…

I’ve decided ot flex the fingerts again and start blogging – I actually enjoyed doing it before so I shall damn well pull my finger out of where it has resided for the past 18 months and get my blog on.

The blogs are gonna be here and on ojborg.wordpress.com as well as I seem to haev forgotten most of my log in details for this site being an idiot and all that.

So join me over there as well.

So they are thinking about retiring windows then are they?

Well its about fucking time. Now although I sit here writing this on a Mac and OSX, I don’t really like steve jobs that much and have made my thoughts pretty clear in this blog as I think his “lets bum the consumer as they will be dazzled by the marvelous design” and we are. we lap down the changes, the obvious built in obsolescence that these things have…. but his isn’t about Jobs, this is about Gates.

Now I’m afraid that I don’t have the first clue of how this new operating system will work, will it be better than windows ME (which actually did have ‘ME’ and was like the Phantom menace of Microsoft’s products) will the “virtualisation be the making of a whole new online based society. I don”t have the answers. I don have them as I don’t have B.O, knowledge of all episodes of Enterprise and still live at home and there for I’m not qualified for this subject.

What I can say is though, that why spend the millions and millions of geek power and money developing something revolutionary and then name it after a melon based liqueur that teenagers (and me) only drink when they run out of everything else including Thunderbird and sherry.

Why not call it Mirage or Addvocaat? or what about 20/20 (why was it called that? you certainly couldn’t see like that after a bottle of the shite)

Maybe this is what the Silicon Valley guys were shit faced on at the last Microsoft Warhammer night and thought it’d be a good idea. Possible but not probable… they are mad for Lambrini are Bill Gates and his minions.

What 80’s fruit based Liqueur do you think they should call it after? Leave me a message.

Right – the reason I’ve not posted for a while (please put away the hanky) is that I’m currently tear arsing across america on the Bull Run. I will blog about it fully if I ever get more then 5 seconds to settle and right something but I shall try and outline some shenanigans in bullet point form…

Startline/keys locked in the boot

Arrested

Arrested

Car Impounded

Gun pulled on me

Stag do on the side of the motorway

vegas wedding

Petrol? What petrol

Fear of death/lambo

Keep that breath baited and I’ll be back in a week.

Well. I’m incensed by that. I’m not about to go buy Andy Abraham’s album Impossible Dream (2.98 from Amazon – a bargain) but he deserved better than joint last! I mean he put heart, soul, balls, lungs, toe nails and his bin lorry into that. And he was beaten by an ice skating bell end. with a waxed chest (not that I was looking mind) and a song that didn’t really do it for me.

Now the thing that shocked me slightly was that this year you had to qualify for the contest, and My dad (who is Maltese) through a party as the Eurovision is the only chance that Malta usually gets to battle on a (vaguely) level playing field only to find that after buying the nibble, pouring out the drinks and getting the Maltese flag down from the loft, that Malta hadn’t even qualified. Disaster.

On the voting side of things (this is after watching an unfathomably large amount of over made up loves-of-themselves prance about the stage) it was basically a night of camp back rubbing. I got more and more incensed Its a good job we didn’t play the drinking game we were going to play as the tatical voting that went on would have meant that the TV would have exited the house via the window.

Worse still is that I have woken up to the story that Wogers may quit. What! He is the single best thing about the event, and has ended up disgusted at the turn of events there. And if Wogan is upset, I am upset.

The only thing to do is to leave this blog with a vid of andy doing his thing and I guess lets give him gordon Browns job as a form of compensation.

[youtube 2mhZXtm-j7Y]

Check out the fat, smiling Lawrence Fishburn bass player!

Thought we’d have a blog that involved a video Blog

A video of one of the best tunes I’ve unearthed in a while

[youtube fdc9dWxYRL0]

And then this which I don’t really know what to say about, other than mid life crisis?

[youtube KAjABypZFzg]

I’m an angry Man. But not as angry as this guy…

[youtube zn5ci099cFc]

No, my anger doesn’t relate to printers (although I do hate them….. the bastards) It relates to the drivers of 4×4’s in London. Now i’m not going to go into the environmental issues as we all know them and to be honest You’d just get bored if I did my Al Gore impression (although I do agree with him) its to do with the arrogance of the people who drive them.

Just went to the”big shop’ at Waitrose (chose that cause they are the greenest of all of the supermarkets and also support farmers. The shop cost £123! beating my previous record by about £60. In future the farmers and the environment can go fuck them selves and I’ll shop at Aldi) and in going into the car-park I discovered that it was a small, tight (f’narr) area that had limited spaces available. What do I see then while crawling round looking for a spot for my girlfriends very economical little Yaris? A whacking great big BMW X5 parked badly so leaving it unable for someone to get a car in next to them. Worse was to follow as i carried round on my now non peaceful drive…. but a porsche Cayenne parked with out any regard over 2 spaces. I mean feel free to drive a 4×4 if you live in the country side and own horses, pigs or cockle pickers but in the centre of London!

Now I’m not one to leave things lying but as we exited the car and heading into the supermarket I saw the driver of the X5 – a small posh looking blonde lady – bet you couldn’t have guesses – I of course had to state that I didn’t aprreciate her parking methods (swear words might have been used) It was only afterwards that my girlfriend pointed out that a hairy guy like me shouting a lady in a car-park probably doesn’t look the best but hey, maybe she’ll p[ark better net time. The bitch.

Anyway this blog has mearly turned into a Daily M ail style rant so I shall no diffuse my own burgeoning bile with a track which has got me whacking the repeat button more times that teenagers whack off.

[youtube IpGp-22t0lU]

What do you call a blind dinosaur? See above title.

What do you call a blind dinosuars dog? Do-you-think-he-saw-us REX! ahaha hah ahahhahahahaahah

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A lick-o-lotta-puss. Thats not funny.

Any hoo, jokes aside, there is a reason for my high brow tom foolery. I today, after living in London for two and a half years finally decided to go and do something touristy. And the Natural history Museum was the lucky recipient of my hyperactive presence.

I haven’t been to a museum in years. Last time I went was to the Jewery Wall musuem in Leicester about fifteen years ago – star attraction is Daniel Lambert’s Chair. He was the fattest man in the UK from 1804 – 1805 you know. I can hear a million jaws dropping as I write this. So my abiding memory of museums is being highly bored and starting to think that a life of drugs would be an improvement to seeing some tapestries that were made on one of the first looms. I blame museums like that for every person that has ever tried crack. Amy winehouse was made to go to alot of them you know.

So it was a rather large shock when I rocked up at the Natural History Museum and was shocked at how [swear word alert] Fucking good it was. I ended up running around the place like a child whose just down a liter of Ki-ora (remember getting high on that quality shit – who needs pills!) the highlight being the Dinosaur exhibition (which is why you were subjected to my Tommy cooper styling at the beginning of this blog) with some of the best animatronics that I have ever seen. There was a massive T-rex model that was so good I felt my heart start racing when I wandered into that particular room. Now many people know I’m a massive fanny when it comes to anything scary (example; at 18 I watched the film The Relic and was that freaked out I asked my mother if I could sleep on her floor) but I think anyone would be slightly freaked out by it as standing in-front of sent a shiver right down to the primordial roots of our beings.

I’ll try and prove it now as I filmed it on the mobile……

I admit its probably not as impressive there as it was in the ‘flesh’ but looking into its eyes I was transported back 150 million years (which is about the same amount of times as Bruce Forsythe has been on TV) where I was a simple hunter with the snortin, hungry T-rex ready to rip my face off.

If this is how good Museums have got then I’m going more often and I’m about to do something that I never thought I would have done. I recommend you going to the museum more, especially the Natural History one….. I think it could be a remedy for crack.

Cause Crack is whack y’all. And so is Daniel lamberts chair.

Well it would be if I didn’t have the most ridiculous hangover, for yes I did worship at the alter of sherbert last night to toast in my birthday and now have a banging headache that no amount of Anadin is curing (well actually if I take a large amount I’m sure that would cure it… although it’d also cure breathing and the rest of my functions) In fact I was so drunk last night I actually don’t remember doing my TV show which is both rather unprofessional and stupid. Altough most of it was prerecorded from before the booze started flowing.

So I’m 29 today – sharing a birthday with such luminaries as David Blaine and Heath Ledger (me and heath were exactly the same age) adn also the death of Dr Martin Luther King (40 years today I think)

I was going to write more but as I’ve spent more time spell checking this fucking post than actually writing it due to the afore mentioned hangover I’m gonna go and try to straighten my self with a bloddy mary and a bit of birthday lunchage with the good lady. My girlfriend can come along as well if she wants (this is a joke of course darling…. and if you are angry about that comment then unlucky, you can’ shout at me today as its my birthday. Although tomorrow is a different matter – its the birthday of a new tax year. JOY)

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Although if you are a member of my family or the police then obviously I’m not (I am actually not I just thought it was a catch title alright – speed is a horrible drug and should not be done by anyone other than the people who operate fairground rides. Crack on the other hand should be done by everyone. I jest of course )

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The reason for the speed in the title is that I have once again left my charger for my laptop at the good ladies house in Wrexham, meaning that I have only 5 minutes of battery life on this contraption. I must write for my life cause I know if I don’t write down my inane witterings then the world might just end.

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Of course it wn’t but I am rather fed up of forgetting things – i looked at the bloody thing last night and thought to my self I better not forget that – so I went and forgot it just to prove a point to myself. How do you actually rember things – my old man used to swap a ring pon his hand but I’m not into rings as I reckon blokes in them either look one of three things. Camp, chavvy or like they are trying to be a pirate.

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Not much time left but I did have the most amazing revelation over the weekend and I managed to figure out the meaning of life and why we are all here.

Its quite simple really its……/////

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Now before we start this blog I would like to point out that I am not a homophobe… indeed I have noted many times that I think that we are all slightly gay and I have at the very least a homosexual taste in music (think Diana Ross and glitzy, piano house tunes)

So to the story and I was going for dinner with Phil. Now is you don’t know who ‘Phil’ is… well ‘Phil’ is the world famous sex therapist Dr Cockney. And I was waiting for him with James (my director and slum landlord) and James’s Girlfriend, the lovely Sarah….. whose name I had forgotten when I first met up with them and I had to avoid mentioning her name by dodging all those situations where you have to address some one by name (we’ve all done it – even you James) until it had been mentioned that her name was Sarah….. I digress. Again.

So up in the unbelievably posh area of London in Hampstead we needed a pub to wait in – James, for reasons I have yet to work out, chose the only gay pub in that area. First things first it was a great place. The bar men friendly, the drinks top and reasonable priced and the music fantastic (it always is in gay bars – sort it out you hetro bastards) and we are sat there, myself, James and his Girlfriend waiting for Dr Cockney.

In walks Cockers and if you haven’t met him (having seen how many shows he has made I believe this to be a fantastically small number)…. well he’s a great touchy feely guy, who is pretty snazzily dressed and we hadn’t seen each other for a while, so he gives me a big hug to say hello. Can you see where I’m going with this? It looked like I was in there with my straight couple waiting for my big bear of a benefactor (alliteration there) of a sugar daddy to turn up and take me out for a meal! We all chatted, laughed and collected the free packs of condoms and lube that they had on the side (why don’t they give them out in all places straight or gay? Its not like we have a problem in this country with teen pregnancies and sexual diseases) which all just added to the image of us looking like the aforementioned couple who had just cruised each other.
I suppose the upshot is that Dr Cockles did pay for my meal and I do like the Supremes. Make your judgments now.