So having only just moved in with the less hairy love of my life (my girlfriend that is, not a seal. Although they do make me laught those slippery honking bastards) I’m now of the gang that sleeps in a bed that is no longer my own. this isn’t helped by James the Director (who’s flat i rent) only has a queen sized bed. So that when I heat up to my, allegedly, 119C. At night being near me is like being next to a sweating hog.

Last night was no different, made worse due to the fact I staggered in drunk to the complete happyness of the good lady. Problem is that I woke up this morning hugging a teddy bear and I have no idea how. Is this a sign of my manlyness. A sign that I can sleep with a bear and not worry about it? I’m not sure. the worry I have is that I slept very well last night thank you very much. To the point that I may phone home to my ma and see if I can get her to send my childhood best friend, my bear called Milton. Why he has a Jewish name I have no idea.

Do you sleep with a bear. Are you still a man. Help me!

I am Sir Trevor Bayliss

I am Sir Issac Newton

I am the guy who invented those little milk pots.

For today I have invented a new phenomenon – Bogging. The world will fall under the delights of blogging from the the white porcelain throne. Like the eureka moment (but stinkier) I knew I was going to write a blog this morning but new that there was some ablutions that had to be carried out… and bogging was born.

It has so many advantages…. if I run out of TP (as the certain Americans call it) then i can order more from Tescos online. If I realise I only have a little of the paper left then I can use the ‘One sheet way of the Crow’. I can download music to listen to. I can watch the Eleventh commandment. I am on the seat (literally) of the world

hmmmmmmmmmmmm I seem to be running out……. of plaudits for bogging of course. Is it worrying that of the short time I’ve been blogging this is the 3rd time I have written about some thing to do with toilet time? Do I need to contact that friendly man again and his padded room. Probably. Unless you are suffering from insane constipation or you are shitty Richard (the smelly kid from school who wouldn’t poo) It is something that we all do though isn’t it, and I think we need to have more botty based transparency. Todays task should be to drop a real stinker in the office or at home, leave the door home and say some thing like “wow, I think I just shat out the cat in there” or “Call Greenpeace, there’s a whale that needs rescuing in the bog” Of course if you do this and get dumped/sacked then don’t blame me, I am merely a conduit for matter.

I am Scat Man John.